(barely) SATIRE
“5am text message: RELOCATE RELOCATE RELOCATE”
Disclaimer: I’m trying to write fiction but the planet is yelling at me in the middle of the night to wake up and stop the destruction of Mother Earth
I fell asleep last night thinking about global warming and then woke up from a bad dream about it, too. Awesome woohoooo yayuhhhhh! In the dream, I was looking at my phone and there were like a quadrillion text messages all saying the same thing: ‘RELOCATE RELOCATE RELOCATE RELOCATE.’
I do have another idea though besides relocating to the coldest, most remote part of the planet and that is to make REPUBLICANS fall in love with DEMOCRATS!! That’s the only way! It will solve everything! If people as bad as Trump can fall in love with hot, hippie Democrat mamacitas (like me) then maybe just maybe they’d get excited about supporting the Paris Climate Agreement and hybrid cars and and recycling and turning off their hallway lights when not in use and then maybe we’d stand a 1/4 of a chance at beating climate change and still have time to debate topics like Cancel Culture and whether Dave Chappelle is transphobic or not. But if we don’t have a planet, well we’re S.O.L.
So left-wing, liberal, Democrats and Progressives? Please find the most difficult, right-wing, conservative, gun obsessed, Flat Earther, climate change denier, anti-vaxxer and MAKE THEM HORNY FOR YOU. Seriously! It’s the only way!!!
Paid for by the PEOPLE WHO THINK IT MIGHT BE WORTH IT TO GET ALL OUR HEADS OUT OF OUR ASSES WHILE THERE’S STILL TIME TO DO IT
